Life at times can be very hard. Especially in someone with extreme anxiety. I've always been a worrier but sometimes things can really get me down. There are just things in life that I cannot change and my mind doesn't think I should leave things be when really I need to let things be.
Today is one of those hard days. Its one of those days were I don't even want to get out of bed. I've tried twice already to get up and moving but I have ended right back under the covers. My mind won't slow down and let me relax. My body is aching and tired. And I crave sleep when it won't come.
Prayer has been one of the best answers to my predicaments, but my mind wanders after a while. And when you don't see God answering your prayers right away or even days after you start praying for a miracle you can easily start slipping into depression. God is good, he will always be there for me but he hasn't promised I would have sun shiny days everyday. So he handed me knitting needles.
When times get tough I can always keep my hands busy even if my mind won't cooperate. I can knit a dishcloth and not even have to think about what I am doing. As my body has a lot of aches and pains due to depression and anxiety I can even knit in bed. I had put my needles away last year for a few months due to neck strain and pain but found that it made my depression worse. So with my doctors permission in the new year I picked up my needles again and it has helped me through a lot of things I've been going through in life.
The one thing I heard so much last year when I was going through a lot and had to put my needles down was "You may never knit again, you may have to give it up for good." Well I don't think hearing those words helped at all. Its like asking a writer never to write again. Or a baker never to bake again. Or even a singer to never sing again! If it was life threatening and I would die from knitting I would totally understand, but when you only have so many artistic outlets that help you cope it's like taking your oxygen away. Taking the one thing you love doing the most and saying you have to give it up to make others happy.
So I continue to knit. Because I love it, and because it helps me. Sometimes its just better to follow your gut and not listen to the ones that think you need to be there for them before helping yourself. Cause if you can't help yourself how can you help others? Don't get me wrong, I love helping others. Its a great honor to help others when they need you, but sometimes you're the one that needs the help. So don't give up. I don't plan on it ;).
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